Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Long time no see

So, I know I haven't posted in a while and it is because I wasn't sure what to say. I am not officially on my summer vacation from college and for the last week and a half I have done nothing! My ED has spiked in activity. I am pretty sure it is due to not having any goals/stimulation in my mind. The past week and a half has also been filled with a lot of drinking; although I am proud to say there has been none since Sunday night and it is nice to wake in the morning and feel good.

I am also proud to say that in the past two days I have managed to keep three meals down! That is a HUGE step for me. I have also done my yoga DVD once and I am planning to attempt it today along with some reading and some yard work.

Last night I started a new routine for when I am feeling restless while I try and quit drinking; Hot tea + reading = sleepy Andromeda. The past two nights I have laid in bed and drank some hot tea and I think it is helping me to go to sleep.

This morning, I woke at 6am; on my own! This NEVER happens, LOL. I was able to wake up and drink a nice hot cup of Joe, gather my thoughts and decide how to tackle my day. I realized these three famous quotes this morning and decided that this is how I am going to start viewing things:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

"You can't avoid change, it's mandatory, progress however is optional." - Bill R. Good Jr.

"Change creates Change" Unknown

The last of the three quotes really clicked in my mind: Change creates Change. I realized that my actions were creating this bubble of everything staying the same; I was always waking up to the kids getting into stuff and this put me in a bad mood. This creating a situation where binging would occur to help me feel better. So my first step to my recovery: Waking up on my own. Already I am in a better mood, thinking positive about my day and making plans to help me with tough situations. I know known that in order for me to start my recovery I need to start changing the way I function on a daily bases and too start thinking in a positive manner.

It is amazing what a little positive thinking can do. I make excuses daily to hide behind this ED. I don't want to play victim anymore. I want attention to be on me because I am doing positive things with my life and not because I am slowly killing myself and my family.

Let me pause for a second and really absorb those last five words: KILLING MYSELF AND MY FAMILY! Too often I think that my Eating Disorder is my own and that it isn't anyone elses'. When in fact I have put this eating disorder on anyone that I have ever known. I am constantly not myself around friends, my family suffer from seeing my pain and how closed off I have become. I am no longer a person that people see and don't pitty. I am someone people see and they are unsure of because clearly I am un-stble, un-trustworthy and scary.

I will be the first to admit that I am not someone people gravitate towards. My personality is of the eccentric variety. There is a small handful of people who understand me but most tolerate me. I scare off my neighbors because I am too kind and scare off ones who are also insecure and accuse me of wanting to sleep with their spouses. I guess what I am trying to say is with a personality like mine, life can be lonely. I had a few close friends but have lost them over the past 4 years because I am no longer the same person.

I guess what I am getting it is that I want to be me again. I no longer like this depression, this self loathing. So to help me fix it, I am creating ripples in the ocean of my life. Yes, a giant tide might come and knock me down but one must continue to press forward in order to create the positive change.

Positive Affirmation of the day:
I am in control of my thoughts and feelings.




Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How to move on



The crying has lessened but really feel that all this is just too much to bear. I am completely on edge and strugeling to maintain for the sake of my children. Besides my close family, not many people know about my struggles with my bulimia. I so desperately want to be over this. I do OK until I weigh myself and I say uh oh, no way I weigh that fucking much.

Dannah is someone I met a few years ago. I was inspired by her. We had both decided we were going to help each other. I was going to join her softball team with her. She touched my heart in many many ways. Her loss to everyone hurts my heart so much. Those of us close to her believe she committed suicide. In a way, this makes it worse then if someone had taken her life or if it were an accident. Knowing that she could no longer live with her hurt and grief scares me. Many Many times I feel like I am out of control. That in a second of lapsed judgment it could have been me that jumped. Dannah had struggles recently with depression. The medication she was taking was making it worse. After several incidents of her having break downs, attacking her husband and taking off I would think they would prescribe her different meds. But no, they didn't. Then they took her camping, got shit faced, wtf is up with that. This is behavior uncommon to her demeanor.

On top of it all, the night I found out about Dannah my spouse got arrested for a DUI and is now close to losing his job. I don't know how much I can handle. I want to sleep all day. I haven't had a drink in two days and I am starting to feel the itch.

School work is becoming overwhelming. Sigh..

Heres the link to the story on dannah

heres some pics of me with Dannah and some friends. Didn't want to put them on Facebook, but want to share them with someone.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Grief

My heart is filled with such sadness. I can picture them finding your body at the bottom of the cliff and wondering was it suicide or did something else happen? I wish there was a way to comfort my other friends who are dealing with your loss but since you were closer to them I feel ashamed I feel such a loss. You and I were recently had a new friendship but we shared very intimate things about one another, one of them our depression and eating disorder. You heart was kind and mine was not at times.

I remember the next day feeling like I over talked to you about your situation and I feel ashamed. I apologized the next day and you were very understand and comforting in telling me it was all really ok and not to worry my head with such thoughts. Thank you. I am upset that my other friend wasn't honest with me about what you were going through but I guess they felt that since we weren't best friends I didn't deserve to know. Maybe I could have helped you some how.

When I pause to think about the fact that your lungs will never again fill with air, that no one will ever see your smile and that you will never again see the sunrise when out camping; my eyes fill with tears knowing that it could have been me that felt as you did. We carry a lot of similarities and knowing that u have ended your life because of them scares me that I too might be capable of such an act. We're not 100% on the suicide, or was it foul play?

I still feel really guilty that my heart hurts so bad.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Seasons

When I feel bad about my weight and I am obsessing I get really depressed and I normally quit blogging. I haven't been following anyone's either, so for that my friends, I am sorry.

I am really working on trying not to obsess about the 12 lbs I have put on, or the fact that none of my clothes from last summer fit. I feel like a fat cow. I haven't worked out in 2 months and have lost all my muscle deffination so I now look like a flabby blob. I want to be tones and fit, but I don't want to put the effort into it. I have been conditioned from an early age to be lazy. I spent most my time as a child on my ass, watching cartoons and playing video games.

Anyone else have issues motivating them selves to be more active, if not for you but also with you kids? I realize that I am conditioning my children for the same down fall I have. I fall short in being active with them. My depression makes me tired and causes me to choose to avoid leaving the house as much as possible.

Any tips for a desperate woman?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

My lovey

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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Were having mom and son morning. Love this lil man

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Making my famous breakfast skillet Yummy!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Nap time

Monday, February 22, 2010

Bowen wearing stunna shades

Friday, February 19, 2010

Take two


So here's a test picture with my new laptop for school! I am super stoked but feel just like I look in this picture. I am tired, have been for days. I have a paper I need to write that I am completely confused on and lack motivation.
This picture of me also shows how I feel in my mind, two people, connected.
Anyway, don't taking a break. Would write more but I don't need anymore reason to not do my school work.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Awesome top

Love my workout top!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Sleeping beauty

I wish I was this beautiful when I sleep. Priceless!

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Flowers

My beautiful table centerpiece I put together

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Been MIA

So, I realize I have been MIA for a while and I think it is because I realized I was spending WAY too much time on here and neglecting other things that needed to get done.
It could also be due to the fact that we got a new tv/blue-ray and I am obsessed with sitting in front of it and doing nothing.
So, I went for a run yesterday. 3miles in 28min. Then came home and did 3 sets of push ups and sit ups with my kiddos. It was nice. I miss running outside and miss the passion I had for it. When other cardio on a machine I feel like I never really get a sense of accomplishment, but when I am out side, on the pavement, feeling the sole of my show hit and the force gos through my body, it is amazing. Going farther then I have or even taking a rout over the big overpass gives me a feeling of self worth that just makes me smile from ear to ear.

So I have been cooking a lot of different meals lately. Last night I clow cooked some country style ribs with potatoes,celery and carrots. Put some bbq sauce in it with 1can of chicken stock and some seasonings. it was awesome. I served it all over rice cause I shredded the pork when it was done.
Tonight: Stuffed red bell peppers with couscous instead of rice. :D We'll see how that goes.

Think I am going to be going on the hunt for a nice pair of running shoes, any suggestions?

Here's a little picture of where I live. If I could look at this everyday and the weather be like this everyday, i'd be a running fool!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How now Brown Cow

So happy I found these at sams club!

Crazy

Starting over is always hard. I am sad and want to hope I will get better; I feel like I am going crazy though.

This I believe

In my english 121 class I had to write an essay for the NPR show This I believe, here is my submission.

Andromeda

Professor Kerri Mitchell

English 121

February 9th, 2010

I believe in being silly.

Sometimes, life can get pretty busy and we lose sight of what is important; constantly writing out our to-do lists in our mind while we scurry about our day, not even taking a moment to smile at someone as we pass them by or enjoy a moment we find funny, or just a simple thank you to someone who hands us our coffee.

Growing up, my father would always make me laugh and never failed to do things I considered “strange” in front of my friends. One night I remember my dad making us participate in a home video where he would make up disappear. My father asked my sisters and me to jump really high while he recorded it; somehow he was able to create magic because when he played it back, it looked like we jumped out of the picture into thin air. My father’s “child-like” behavior is one of his many personalities traits that I love and cherish, it is a trait that makes me laugh when I think of when I was 9 years old and looked over my shoulder from the kitchen sink and watched my dad as he climbed up each stair and farted, like he was making musical history. Growing up with my father taught me that no matter how old you get, jumping around in the living room and singing Turbo Lover as you pump your fists into the air will never go out of style. I have many memories with my father and some of the happiest are the ones that seemed “lame” at the time, but in the end he taught me that being silly isn’t all that strange.

As a parent, I often find myself mimicking my father’s crazy dance moves with my own children. I like to turn the volume up on the stereo in the living room and go crazy, dancing like a ballerina, twirling around my house with the grace of a duck; my daughter Alissa often follows closely behind me, clinging to my every move as she laughs out loud. My son Bowen loves to feel the music bump in his body as he tries to spin on his back like a break dancer; he too is laughing out loud. It is moments like those that my kids will remember when they are my own age, those moments that make me happy and smile from ear to ear when I am feeling down and lonely.

I often take my ability to make others smile and use it to brighten someone else’s day. I remember recently helping out my sister in her time of need; we were at the dinner table and my sister’s son Joseph was sad. She and her husband were going through a divorce and Joseph really didn’t understand why his dad wasn’t around and the mood around the table was a bit melancholy; too sad for my taste. Out of nowhere I decided to let the noodles I was eating drop to my chin and get sauce everywhere; the sauce was getting on my shirt and my cheeks because I was turning my head back and forth causing the noodles to fly through the air. Joseph and my sister started laughing out loud and I realized, in that moment, that my little charade was able to bring a smile to a breaking heart. I did have to explain to Joseph that what I did was “cool” but I am still unsure if he thought it was or I was just being weird.

I believe that being silly has the power to heal saddened hearts. I often find myself making funny faces at children crying in shopping carts as their mommies try to reach the can on the top shelf at the grocery store. Sometimes, I would push my face up against the car door window and blow my cheeks out, and smooch my nose up like a pig as my husband drives past a fussy baby in the back seat of their moms beat up Buick. I believe that these little gestures of “silliness” can make a complete stranger smile, and in doing so change that strangers mood for the rest of the day.

I find loud farts funny, people getting hurt while doing stupid things funny, jumping up and down to make my boobs slap together funny. It has taken my husband a long time to get use to the child like behavior that my father passed down to me. To this day, my husband finds the fact that I love to chase him around the house with my arms reached out for him yelling, “I’m gonna get you” extremely obnoxious because he hates being tickled; even so, it always end up with him holding me in his arms, laughing out loud, and my husband telling me he loves me. There are even the occasional heated arguments where fingers are being pointed; accusations are flying as to why the dishes haven’t been done, and all of a sudden I would make a silly face and we both end up laughing, wondering why we were arguing in the first place.

I believe in being silly. Being silly to me means that I am making someone else smile, making memories, and changing someone else’s day. Being silly to me means that my heart is laughing instead of feeling sad. There are always going to be people in the world who choose to be unhappy, but for those of us who know what laughter can do know the power it can bring into someone else’s life. My hope is that I continue to live my life using this motto and that I can instill in my children the craft of silliness; and that they, in return, will teach the craft of silliness to their own children. I hope to teach perfect strangers that it is ok to live your life to the beat of your own drum, and that sometimes the drums might just be a little off, but that is ok.

I believe in being silly, and if that makes me an outcast then I am here to join the club!


Thursday, February 11, 2010

thinspirtation- take a hike

So here is my reply to a girl that thinks looking like death is "desirable"

you do realize that some of the pics u posted are photoshoped to not show the ribs and all the bones to make them look more appealing? I dislike the fact you added me as a blog to follow since you obviously have this unrealistic desire to be unhealthy and look like a skeleton. please delete me. thank you.

Hey my laptop worked!

On a different topic, I love and hate Celebrity Rehab.
I love watching the show because it inspires me, but i hate watching because I hate the fact that just because these are D list celebs (not Denis Rodman) that they are getting top of the notch help with their problems.
I am pissed because I desperately want help.

Hi my name is Andromeda and I am a situational alcoholic? Meaning the min it hits my lips I drink till I can't drink no more.
This would be one of those occasions.

If i stop drinking right now, my mind goes to food. I have drank a lot the past 2 yrs. I am pretty sure I have a drinking problem. Granted I am not an "every day" drinker, but once I feel the effects of the alcohol I can't stop.

I rememberer not to long ago where I would purposely drink heavily because I knew the next day I would weigh less.

I wish someone would take me away and teach me. Even if it is only for a few weeks. Let me be around others that suffer. Please, let me hear what others say. Let me feel the support, the inspiration.
I feel alone all the time. I am tired of it. Right now, there is ZERO people I could call or talk to, including me own spouce cause I persuaded him into getting another six pack. Grrr...

Sure I will regret posting this in the morning, but I have decided to not sensor myself on here anymore, cause I created it to help, not make me feel like shit.

Im now going to go finish my 8th beer then go to bed cause there's none left; i will feel sorry for myself clear until i wake up.

Football


Yes, this is me in the middle. I was the on;y girl on the team.
I love football and it is both one of my most happiest and my lowest points in my life.

With that said I was looking on craigs list the other day and I saw that their trying to crate a semi-pro team here again. I decided to shoot them an e-mail and asked if this was a men's only team because I was looking to join, this was his response:

"Of course its a mens only team. practice is at stocker stadium on sunday, 11:30"

My response as follows:
"Well what the heck is that supposed to mean “of course”? I played football all through middle school and was interested cause I’d like to play. Geez. "

What is with these guys thinking then can run everything? That I can take a good stiff arm to my helmet or a cheap shot from a loser from behind? What, I ain't man enough to take that punt return all the way back for a touch down while I jump over you arrogant ass holes?


All I know is I'm gonna be there on Sunday, with my pads on my legs or one in between my legs, ass holes.

...

another emotional day. Reading blogs about people being happy, having ED, exersize, everything but my school work, hanging with my kids, or cleaning. I am really depressed again, tired, crying all the time and worn out; however super excited to weigh less again this morning. How freaking lame and disgusting am I?

To top it all off, I keep biting my lip on the inside in the exact same spot and it is always at the end of a binge. I need help, im lonely, scared, and pathetic. Taking the rest of the week off from the gym in hopes to reset myself. I almost feel like cutting again. sigh..

UPDATE:

So I was going to lay down and take a nap with Alissa, but got a phone call that i can't because I have to go get Bowen from school; would have been no big deal if I wasn't already in my bed cuddling with her. Naturally I broke down and just started sobbing. Gosh I am so angry and I don't even know why. Really I am just FUCKING PISSED. I haven't been to the gym this week, not once. I know he knows I am feeling depressed, but he doesn't ask me about it. I know he knows I was in my room last night binging but as long as I don't bother his stupid fucking call of duty time then he will let me sit here and kill myself. My fault for being in a relationship with someone who also has an addictive personality. Yes I cussed on here, and if you don't like it, you 2 can fuck off. Not going to censor myself on my own blog anymore.

Witht hat said, I am hateful and spiteful today. I am most the time but hide it from everyone. No, I don't want to talk to god about it. No, I don't feel like he will help me and no I am not really sure what is wrong otherwise don't you think I would let it all go?

I also think its funny how I think one of these people picture below is beautiful and the other disgusting beyond belief! Both suffering from an eating disorder, one more sever then the other. Feel incredibly guilty.




Lunch

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

yeah right

So here is a post in all of its "real-ness", it will be fragmented and grammar bad, but this is what free writing is about.

I am a liar!
I lie to everyone everyday, including myself.
I am not doing better, but I have fooled myself and everyone else into thinking I am.
Instead of purging junk food I am now purging really expensive food and costing my family more.
I have had ZERO days of no purging. I lie in my posts and to everyone that reads them.
I lie to my mother that calls to ask how I am doing
to my friend over the mtns
to my husband
everytime I tell him I am just going to go pee but in reality I am going to go throw up.

I post pictures of the healthy food I make in a normal portion but don't show the 2nds and thirds that i always go back to get.
I was really pissed at the beginning of the week about my weight but I am super happy it is back in the 120's, but unhappy it is not lower.
I feel like I take one step forward and two GIANT steps back

What is the point in my even keeping a blog to track my progress if all I am going to do is lie on it.
For the first time in a while I thought of death tonight.
I hate how I feel right now.
I hate how tired I am, that I haven't been to the gym and that I haven't done any homework this week.
I hate that when I do over eat that my food wants to come up on its own because of my reflux disease that I have had since I was a child and that there is nothing I can do to keep it down, thus making it one thousands time more difficult to resist the urge to just let my stomach purge its self.

I hate the fact that when I do over eat I am in pain emotionally, plagued with anxiety even after the feeling of fullness is gone; and even after an hr has passed I will still go purge because the anxiety wins.

I hate that I am a big fat FAKE. Please don't tell me that you look up to me because I am just betraying you. I don't want sympathy, i want nothing but to be free and sometimes it feels like death is the only way I will ever get that.

No comments for this one guys.


My beautiful baby sleeping

shit (nothing)


well I ate a whole god damn box of doughnuts. :( now i'm tired and don't even want to go to the gym, whats the point anyway? easier to just keep doing the same, letting myself down gets really old.

Hi!

Hi ya'll

Roller Derby

Sorry for the bad picture but I took it with my cell phone because I was being lazy. Here we have my breakfast burrito that is made of 1/2 potato, 2 egg whites, one yolk, tons of veggies, 1/2 avacado, 1/4cp fat free cheese and salsa. Yummy

Tons of school work today, like always. I haven't been to the gym at all this week and I am feeling very tired; so the gym is a for sure thing later in the day.

My sister is wanting to start a roller derby team, yeah I know. I want to do it but I am really worried about doing it with her. She is kind of flaky and is extremely competitive. This doesn't help me because I am also extremely competitive. I use to be a speed skater back in the day and have played football. I know what it means to be in a contact sport and I really don't want to have to hurt her, I would also want to be in control of our team because I feel I am a better leader. lol. http://wftda.com/ Seems fun tho




Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Time for a change

So I decided to use my web-cam for a self portrait, it didn't turn out so well.

With everything going on I decided it was time for a change. I have always been blond until I decided to be a rebel and thought going dark made me "sexier" and more desirable. Recently I have gone through a lot of changes and feel I have come closer to the old Andromeda as appose to the person I have been pretending to be for the last 5 years. I miss my long hair, my beautiful skin, white teeth, I miss me.







Now when I look in the mirror I recognize the person looking back at me, this feeling is very comforting and familiar. Amazing how a little color can change your life!

Look who went blonde again!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Wheres the food

Last Year I started college for the first time and I took an english 090 class. I had to do a cultural lens essay about something in my life and this is my submission. Please be aware that this is the FIRST essay I had written in 12 years so the grammar is hideous. I plan on re-writing it this summer. I thought maybe this would give everyone some insight to my past.

Where’s the food?

I spend the majority of my time either thinking about food or eating it and purging it. This has been my life for the last four and a half years. There are a few key factors that have lead to this crazy obsessive behavior. Behavior that I would compare to that of a drug addict. My thoughts of when I am going to binge again. The meticulous planning of my schedule to include adequate time for my daily rituals of stuffing my stomach so full that I am in pain then going into the bathroom and forcing all the food out of my stomach till it feels as empty as my heart and soul. Sometimes this might include going through drive thru and ordering twenty dollars of whatever looks good on the menu. I might just stay in and eat a whole package of bagels, three or four boxes of cereal and top it all off with a whole package of cookies with milk. Eating Disorder, that is what it is called! I never thought this would be me. That my depression and low sense of self worth would lead me to this obsessive behavior of what the number says on my scale every morning. I can pin point about three periods of time in my life that have pushed me to this extreme life I now lead. Living in Las Vegas and raising my sisters two small children, moving back to Grand Junction to be the care giver for my dying grandmother, and becoming a mother myself.

I was seventeen when I left to live with my sister in Las Vegas. I got a great paying job almost immediately. I held onto it for about six months until I abruptly quit. While at this job I met my boyfriend who was quite charming at the time. After work I would come home and take care of my sister’s two small children. She had decided that going out drinking, gambling and cheating on her husband were far more important too her then raising her children. Even though I worked forty hours a week and then came home to take care of her children, I was still made to buy groceries for the household, pay rent, and whatever else she could come up with until my check was depleted. After growing tired of this I decided it was time to move out. I was scared but I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. I went home and told my sister that Rudy and I had decided to move in together.

My sister always complained about her kids wanting me and calling me mom that I thought she would be happy I was moving out. Well, I thought wrong. In a fit of rage she began to grab my belongings and throw them down the stairs. Yelling and telling me what a bad person I was for using her. Getting into my face, spit flying everywhere as she continued to scream at me. Her children are in the back ground crying and scared, unsure of what is going on. I managed to get all my stuff outside the door as she pushed me and told me to never come back. I waited outside for Rudy to show up. I was thankful. We lived together for about three months. In those three months I had dealt with even more abuse. Getting spit on, slapped, verbally assaulted and being held against my will. I felt more alone then I could stand. So I called my father and had him come and get me. I ended up moving back to Vegas again a few months later only to experience a déjà vu occurrence that resulted in a scared 18 year old girl sleeping at a Keno game in some random hotel off of the Freemont Experience. I only stayed a few weeks later when I was told that my grand mother was dying and getting moved to Grand Junction. This started the next section of heart ache in my life.

You could smell the cancer the minute you walked into the house. She was 63 and looked like she had lived for a century. Unable to walk, her thoughts are scattered, unsure of where she is. It is 3am and I hear yelling. Annoyed I get up from my bed and make my way across the trailer to the living room and say, “What Grandma? I was sleeping!” “What are you doing?”, she asked. “I said I was sleeping” I yelled as I went back to my room rolling my eyes. I had been living with her for two months at this point. I was the one wiping her butt, bathing her, feeding her. I never got any help from my family. Her condition continued worsening right before my eyes. I am nineteen, scared, alone, untrained, and I am afraid I am going to go out in the living room and find that she had passed on. My aunts and uncles had gotten word of her worsening condition and decided to make a trip down here. In rage they accused the doctor of not doing her job. They accuse me of trying to kill her. The doctor and I are in the kitchen crying and scared to even open our mouths. At this point there is nothing they can do and so they leave the house just as fast as they had arrived. For a brief moment in time, the air and water stood still.

I was sleeping when I heard a knock at the door. It was my aunt and uncle. They have requested to spend some time alone with my grandmother and would appreciate it if I left. Out of respect I got up, shower and head out to my fathers for the day. Expecting us to hear from them, hours pass and nothing. We load up and head over just knowing something isn’t right. When we arrived the house was completely ransacked. They had rented a truck and were taking my grand mother back to Denver. My grand mother was not really able to understand what was going on and had signed over her legal Power of Attorney to my aunt. My room had been gone through from top to bottom. My belongings gone through and taken if they so pleased and my grand mother, stolen. I was left feeling lost, beaten and destroyed. She died three months later in my aunt’s basement. She was left alone most of her final weeks. My aunt decided to file criminal charges against me. So low and depressed, my boyfriend moved down from Pennsylvania to help me.

Two years have passed. I am now a mother. My boyfriend and I live together. I went from working and feeling self reliant to becoming completely dependent on him and being stuck at home alone with a baby. I have become depressed and to help bear with it I turned to food. I began to binge on bags on candy, whole pizzas, bowls of cereal, etc… All while I watched my weight steadily incline. By the time it was all said and done I had reached an astonishing 280lbs by my sons second birthday.

One day, and I am not sure why, I decided to stop. I joined a weight loss program and for the next nine months I did everything the right way. I had lost 100lbs eating right and exercising. But why was I still unhappy? I knew I was tired of watching my husband and friends eat whatever they want while I sat there counting points and calories.

I remember the exact moment I became bulimic. I had just finished over eating food we ordered from a Chinese place. I was scared that I had eaten too much and was going to get fat. If I put weight on then people will think I failed. I remembered a neighbor talking to me about a problem she had with throwing up her food. At that moment it dawned on me. I could go try this! If it doesn’t work it is no big deal. So I went into the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and tried to throw up my food. Success! I was excited. I had found the cure to my unhappiness. I could eat whatever I wanted and not worry about getting fat because I had figured out how to make it all go away. In fact, it was helping me to lose weight! At first I only did it once or twice a week. Like with any drug, alcohol or substance abuse problem it only got worse.

Here I sit, ashamed that it is now four years later and I am still addicted. Every meal turns into a binge and purge session and I am now scared to even eat because it will just start the vicious cycle all over again. I am unable to stop, scared of becoming morbidly obese again. I have lost all feelings of self worth. I still feel lost, beaten and destroyed. My life in Las Vegas has made me feel worthless. My ex boyfriend had made me feel small and insignificant and my sister had taken my freedom. My grandma’s passing has left doubt in my mind, if I had contributed to her death. Did I really have her best interest at heart? What follows are feelings of self doubt in becoming a parent and if it was a life I wanted. All of this has lead me to this eating disorder. I hope to one day wake up and be cured of this. Too find happiness inside of myself. That One day I may re write such an essay about my cultural lens and what shapes me, but it will be filled with joys and moments of happiness. That I will no longer be obsessed with the question, Where’s the food?.


If you made it this far, thank you for reading. :)

To you, my love


How did i go from this little girl


To this beautiful person



Only to end up with my head in a toilet the majority of my day. I promise myself that I will get better. I can do this. I am beautiful inside and out and my children deserve all of me.
To those that I have hurt I am sorry.

To one person in particular; I have hurt you more then I would ever allow someone to hurt me; you have stuck by me even though you don't understand. You love me despite my infidelities, drinking, manic fits of rage, neglect, and embarrassing moments when I break down a cry.
You understand that when i eat massive amounts of food and disappear shortly after that I really don't want to be doing what I am about to do. I am sorry I got mad at you at the mall for throwing away the food you were done with; I know why you did it and I know you don't understand why I was so angry. Thank you for getting up in the middle of the night to comfort me when I am crying because I was about to go raid the cabinets. I am sorry you work as hard as you do to support our family only for me to turn around and dishonor you. I am sorry that I have put our relationship and our kids last in my life.


I am so sorry. I love you. I know you will never read this but I hope that I can show you what you mean to me. I am going to work more on this, I promise. I will no longer measure my self worth by the number on the scale or by the size of my jeans, but by the way I feel, how often I smile, laugh, cry and really feel my emotions. I promise to honor you by taking care of me so that we can grow old together and be here for our grand children. I promise to honor my heart and remind myself that were in this together and even tho you don't understand, you still care.


Progress or regress?



Warning, numbers in this post:

Today marks week 4 of me actively working on my recovery and I am sad to say that I still have a LONG LONG LONG road ahead of me. I wish I still looked like I did 4 weeks ago. I miss my ribs and my stomach that was sunken in. I miss laying down on my bed and feeling my pelvis bones stick out and just feeling light as a feather.
Needless to say, I feel like a freakin tank. I am really uncomfortable in my body, it feels unfimiliar. I am about 10lbs heavier then I was a month ago, and I guess that is good, but I miss being 120. I miss feeling skinny. I know I am only 130 today because of all the beer I drank last night and I am dehydrated, but I was so happy that it didn't say 135; if I get up to 140 I might die. I hate all my extra skin and the fact that when I work out it jiggles around and causes me pain. I went to Body Combat yesterday morning and my skin hurt from my work out on Saturday. I mean, come on, can I catch a freaking break? I some times feel like taking a carving knife and just fixing it all myself. You would think that I would be happy that I feel better most the time, but honestly, I don't. I am still purging, I feel ugly, fat, overweight, unhappy, depressed, and anxious about all of this. I miss seeing the number on my scale telling me I was winning, that I am thinner and there for I can fake like I am happy. I am tired of the number going up and telling me that I am failing at staying thin. I am scared of being "fat" again. I want to go purge the 2 oranges I just ate and I am right now planning a huge binge to go on after I take bowen to school. :( I won't do it (I hope) but the face that I am planning it excites me. All that yummy food.

Moving on, we got to hang out with friends last night for the football game and we all had a great time. Bowen got to play Tony Hawk on the Wii and was up until 1am because I couldn't get him off the thing. He is begging me to get one now. I am glad I went over there, I had a lot of fun. We decided to do a girls night to watch The Time Travelers Wife on Friday and I am really excited, and I might of found a gym buddy! Yipee.

Dinner last night was French Bread pizza, couple jalapeno poppers at my friends and umpteen drinks/shots of rum. My pizza is on the right and it has feta cheese,pineapple, mandarin oranges, spinach and lean smoked ham. I also made the one on the left and it has tomatoes, olives, spinach, green chilies, sugar snap peas, pepperoni and loads of cheese.



For breakfast I made oatmeal with the usual and something new. These little disks of goodness are a wonderful addition to my oatmeal, and their blueberry!

HOUSE IS ON TONIGHT. OMG I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED


I am really depressed, unhappy that I have no friends, no life, and feel generally unloved. I sometimes think i'd rather die then deal with"him", or just continue to let "him" control me because at least then I would be thin, and if I can't have friends or feel loved then who cares? (you can see my disgust with how i look in the second picture, you can see how unhappy I am) I am wearing almost the exact same thing as I was 4 weeks ago in my first post