Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Long time no see

So, I know I haven't posted in a while and it is because I wasn't sure what to say. I am not officially on my summer vacation from college and for the last week and a half I have done nothing! My ED has spiked in activity. I am pretty sure it is due to not having any goals/stimulation in my mind. The past week and a half has also been filled with a lot of drinking; although I am proud to say there has been none since Sunday night and it is nice to wake in the morning and feel good.

I am also proud to say that in the past two days I have managed to keep three meals down! That is a HUGE step for me. I have also done my yoga DVD once and I am planning to attempt it today along with some reading and some yard work.

Last night I started a new routine for when I am feeling restless while I try and quit drinking; Hot tea + reading = sleepy Andromeda. The past two nights I have laid in bed and drank some hot tea and I think it is helping me to go to sleep.

This morning, I woke at 6am; on my own! This NEVER happens, LOL. I was able to wake up and drink a nice hot cup of Joe, gather my thoughts and decide how to tackle my day. I realized these three famous quotes this morning and decided that this is how I am going to start viewing things:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

"You can't avoid change, it's mandatory, progress however is optional." - Bill R. Good Jr.

"Change creates Change" Unknown

The last of the three quotes really clicked in my mind: Change creates Change. I realized that my actions were creating this bubble of everything staying the same; I was always waking up to the kids getting into stuff and this put me in a bad mood. This creating a situation where binging would occur to help me feel better. So my first step to my recovery: Waking up on my own. Already I am in a better mood, thinking positive about my day and making plans to help me with tough situations. I know known that in order for me to start my recovery I need to start changing the way I function on a daily bases and too start thinking in a positive manner.

It is amazing what a little positive thinking can do. I make excuses daily to hide behind this ED. I don't want to play victim anymore. I want attention to be on me because I am doing positive things with my life and not because I am slowly killing myself and my family.

Let me pause for a second and really absorb those last five words: KILLING MYSELF AND MY FAMILY! Too often I think that my Eating Disorder is my own and that it isn't anyone elses'. When in fact I have put this eating disorder on anyone that I have ever known. I am constantly not myself around friends, my family suffer from seeing my pain and how closed off I have become. I am no longer a person that people see and don't pitty. I am someone people see and they are unsure of because clearly I am un-stble, un-trustworthy and scary.

I will be the first to admit that I am not someone people gravitate towards. My personality is of the eccentric variety. There is a small handful of people who understand me but most tolerate me. I scare off my neighbors because I am too kind and scare off ones who are also insecure and accuse me of wanting to sleep with their spouses. I guess what I am trying to say is with a personality like mine, life can be lonely. I had a few close friends but have lost them over the past 4 years because I am no longer the same person.

I guess what I am getting it is that I want to be me again. I no longer like this depression, this self loathing. So to help me fix it, I am creating ripples in the ocean of my life. Yes, a giant tide might come and knock me down but one must continue to press forward in order to create the positive change.

Positive Affirmation of the day:
I am in control of my thoughts and feelings.


Valerie said...

Hey, you will get there. It has taken many years for your ED to develop, and I am sure it will take time for you to conquer it. But don't just expect to survive, expect to prevail! This is a quote from Winston Churchill. Love you, and I wish I could give you a hug! =)