Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Long time no see

So, I know I haven't posted in a while and it is because I wasn't sure what to say. I am not officially on my summer vacation from college and for the last week and a half I have done nothing! My ED has spiked in activity. I am pretty sure it is due to not having any goals/stimulation in my mind. The past week and a half has also been filled with a lot of drinking; although I am proud to say there has been none since Sunday night and it is nice to wake in the morning and feel good.

I am also proud to say that in the past two days I have managed to keep three meals down! That is a HUGE step for me. I have also done my yoga DVD once and I am planning to attempt it today along with some reading and some yard work.

Last night I started a new routine for when I am feeling restless while I try and quit drinking; Hot tea + reading = sleepy Andromeda. The past two nights I have laid in bed and drank some hot tea and I think it is helping me to go to sleep.

This morning, I woke at 6am; on my own! This NEVER happens, LOL. I was able to wake up and drink a nice hot cup of Joe, gather my thoughts and decide how to tackle my day. I realized these three famous quotes this morning and decided that this is how I am going to start viewing things:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

"You can't avoid change, it's mandatory, progress however is optional." - Bill R. Good Jr.

"Change creates Change" Unknown

The last of the three quotes really clicked in my mind: Change creates Change. I realized that my actions were creating this bubble of everything staying the same; I was always waking up to the kids getting into stuff and this put me in a bad mood. This creating a situation where binging would occur to help me feel better. So my first step to my recovery: Waking up on my own. Already I am in a better mood, thinking positive about my day and making plans to help me with tough situations. I know known that in order for me to start my recovery I need to start changing the way I function on a daily bases and too start thinking in a positive manner.

It is amazing what a little positive thinking can do. I make excuses daily to hide behind this ED. I don't want to play victim anymore. I want attention to be on me because I am doing positive things with my life and not because I am slowly killing myself and my family.

Let me pause for a second and really absorb those last five words: KILLING MYSELF AND MY FAMILY! Too often I think that my Eating Disorder is my own and that it isn't anyone elses'. When in fact I have put this eating disorder on anyone that I have ever known. I am constantly not myself around friends, my family suffer from seeing my pain and how closed off I have become. I am no longer a person that people see and don't pitty. I am someone people see and they are unsure of because clearly I am un-stble, un-trustworthy and scary.

I will be the first to admit that I am not someone people gravitate towards. My personality is of the eccentric variety. There is a small handful of people who understand me but most tolerate me. I scare off my neighbors because I am too kind and scare off ones who are also insecure and accuse me of wanting to sleep with their spouses. I guess what I am trying to say is with a personality like mine, life can be lonely. I had a few close friends but have lost them over the past 4 years because I am no longer the same person.

I guess what I am getting it is that I want to be me again. I no longer like this depression, this self loathing. So to help me fix it, I am creating ripples in the ocean of my life. Yes, a giant tide might come and knock me down but one must continue to press forward in order to create the positive change.

Positive Affirmation of the day:
I am in control of my thoughts and feelings.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How to move on

The crying has lessened but really feel that all this is just too much to bear. I am completely on edge and strugeling to maintain for the sake of my children. Besides my close family, not many people know about my struggles with my bulimia. I so desperately want to be over this. I do OK until I weigh myself and I say uh oh, no way I weigh that fucking much.

Dannah is someone I met a few years ago. I was inspired by her. We had both decided we were going to help each other. I was going to join her softball team with her. She touched my heart in many many ways. Her loss to everyone hurts my heart so much. Those of us close to her believe she committed suicide. In a way, this makes it worse then if someone had taken her life or if it were an accident. Knowing that she could no longer live with her hurt and grief scares me. Many Many times I feel like I am out of control. That in a second of lapsed judgment it could have been me that jumped. Dannah had struggles recently with depression. The medication she was taking was making it worse. After several incidents of her having break downs, attacking her husband and taking off I would think they would prescribe her different meds. But no, they didn't. Then they took her camping, got shit faced, wtf is up with that. This is behavior uncommon to her demeanor.

On top of it all, the night I found out about Dannah my spouse got arrested for a DUI and is now close to losing his job. I don't know how much I can handle. I want to sleep all day. I haven't had a drink in two days and I am starting to feel the itch.

School work is becoming overwhelming. Sigh..

Heres the link to the story on dannah

heres some pics of me with Dannah and some friends. Didn't want to put them on Facebook, but want to share them with someone.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


My heart is filled with such sadness. I can picture them finding your body at the bottom of the cliff and wondering was it suicide or did something else happen? I wish there was a way to comfort my other friends who are dealing with your loss but since you were closer to them I feel ashamed I feel such a loss. You and I were recently had a new friendship but we shared very intimate things about one another, one of them our depression and eating disorder. You heart was kind and mine was not at times.

I remember the next day feeling like I over talked to you about your situation and I feel ashamed. I apologized the next day and you were very understand and comforting in telling me it was all really ok and not to worry my head with such thoughts. Thank you. I am upset that my other friend wasn't honest with me about what you were going through but I guess they felt that since we weren't best friends I didn't deserve to know. Maybe I could have helped you some how.

When I pause to think about the fact that your lungs will never again fill with air, that no one will ever see your smile and that you will never again see the sunrise when out camping; my eyes fill with tears knowing that it could have been me that felt as you did. We carry a lot of similarities and knowing that u have ended your life because of them scares me that I too might be capable of such an act. We're not 100% on the suicide, or was it foul play?

I still feel really guilty that my heart hurts so bad.

Friday, April 2, 2010


When I feel bad about my weight and I am obsessing I get really depressed and I normally quit blogging. I haven't been following anyone's either, so for that my friends, I am sorry.

I am really working on trying not to obsess about the 12 lbs I have put on, or the fact that none of my clothes from last summer fit. I feel like a fat cow. I haven't worked out in 2 months and have lost all my muscle deffination so I now look like a flabby blob. I want to be tones and fit, but I don't want to put the effort into it. I have been conditioned from an early age to be lazy. I spent most my time as a child on my ass, watching cartoons and playing video games.

Anyone else have issues motivating them selves to be more active, if not for you but also with you kids? I realize that I am conditioning my children for the same down fall I have. I fall short in being active with them. My depression makes me tired and causes me to choose to avoid leaving the house as much as possible.

Any tips for a desperate woman?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

My lovey

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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Were having mom and son morning. Love this lil man

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Making my famous breakfast skillet Yummy!