Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How to move on

The crying has lessened but really feel that all this is just too much to bear. I am completely on edge and strugeling to maintain for the sake of my children. Besides my close family, not many people know about my struggles with my bulimia. I so desperately want to be over this. I do OK until I weigh myself and I say uh oh, no way I weigh that fucking much.

Dannah is someone I met a few years ago. I was inspired by her. We had both decided we were going to help each other. I was going to join her softball team with her. She touched my heart in many many ways. Her loss to everyone hurts my heart so much. Those of us close to her believe she committed suicide. In a way, this makes it worse then if someone had taken her life or if it were an accident. Knowing that she could no longer live with her hurt and grief scares me. Many Many times I feel like I am out of control. That in a second of lapsed judgment it could have been me that jumped. Dannah had struggles recently with depression. The medication she was taking was making it worse. After several incidents of her having break downs, attacking her husband and taking off I would think they would prescribe her different meds. But no, they didn't. Then they took her camping, got shit faced, wtf is up with that. This is behavior uncommon to her demeanor.

On top of it all, the night I found out about Dannah my spouse got arrested for a DUI and is now close to losing his job. I don't know how much I can handle. I want to sleep all day. I haven't had a drink in two days and I am starting to feel the itch.

School work is becoming overwhelming. Sigh..

Heres the link to the story on dannah

heres some pics of me with Dannah and some friends. Didn't want to put them on Facebook, but want to share them with someone.


Gecko said...

Keep strong hun. I've just been reading your blog and it's very moving.
I know all too well that horrible deep down feeling of frustration when you step on the scales and it all falls apart. I've also been to the very edge of ending it and then stopped myself for my family.
I've known people that simply couldn't deal with having ED or BDD and have suddenly decided they can't carry on. It hurts and makes you feel like you may end up with the same fate.
But be strong and know each day is different and everyone has highs and lows. I'm on a low at the minute and I'm new to blogging... reading people's blogs like yours helps me because I know I'm not the only one out there and other people do understand.
So thank you. I hope you don't mind if I 'follow' you. Sorry this has gotten a bit long hehe.
Gecko x

Valerie said...

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I really pray that she didn't take her own life. Please don't let all that is happening in your life get so out of whack that you start drinking a lot. You have been doing so well. Trust and rely on God. It's the only thing I can tell you. It's they only thing I know how to do. Love you. Val