I am currently a member at Golds Gym and I just love it. For the first time today I went to one of the aerobic classes they offer and it was amazing; it is called Body Balance and it is a mixture of Yogs poses and Thai Chi. This was more challenging than I imagined it to be, but it was very liberating. My body felt strong for the first time in a long time and I had the energy to do the 55min class and go 20min on the elliptical.

This is the down side to my night,all the exercise left me starving; so something I felt amazing about was quickly followed by a binge at dinner and a purge followed quickly after. I loath this feeling of failure and at times I don't really care. I rather eat all of this and taste it's salty goodness go down my tongue and into my stomach than go with out. I know some day I will be able to have that same feeling and stop when I am satisfied with out ed telling me to just keeping going, its no big deal, we will just get rid of it after.

On to another topic, I am starting my new sleep schedule tonight since I am starting my college classes again tomorrow. I am kind of looking forward to starting class again but also know that it will take up my allotted time for my binge/purge sessions. How pathetic I am; waking up every morning with a plan for the food I will conquer that day; all the time I waste everyday stuffing my stomach and just flushing it all away. If only the ed part of my brain would just lop its self off and flush down that porcelain bowl along with all my negative feelings.

I, Mrs. Anonymous, have decided to create this blog in an attempt to self treat my bulimarexia, as well as my underlying problem, binge eating; I have no medical insurance of any kind. My body is weak from the two to three hour long binge sessions that are followed by the 20 minutes I take in the bathroom to throw up; my body is going into sessions of hyperglycemia that cause me to sweat, shiver, and become extremely irrational and irritable; there have even been moments where passing out almost occurred while driving.

Last week I dropped about 6lbs in the span of 5 days. Now, I know for some people that may read this your shaking your head in disbelief that someone would continuously do this to themselves and that I must be out of my mind, and if in your shoes I would think the same thing and often think I am crazy myself.

Like any addiction that starts off innocent, just trying it once; my binge and purge sessions quickly became a habit, a physical addiction that if not corrected will cause me panic attacks and irrational thoughts of being disliked because people will be able to tell I failed at keeping control.


I have been on both sides of the weight spectrum; I have been 280lbs and considered "ugly". I have been made fun and labeled fat, lazy, pig, butterball and ugly. I have also been 118lbs and called pretty, and beautiful. Men look at me differently, women look at me with jealously; even if it is with judgment and accusations I love it; for the first time in my 27years of existence I am being looked at with admiration for my outside appearance instead of being the butt end of some ass holes fat joke, and i love it. Vane? Yes. Do I feel I contribute anything else for my peers too admire, no.

My intention for this blog is to use this outlet as an attempt to reach others who my have some advice for me or that I may help. I would be happy to answer questions for those who feel lost as well. I know in my heart, that I can be healed from this vicious cycle of self hatred and lead a life that is full of love and acknowledgment for the beautiful person I am in the inside.

This blog will be a chronicle of my journey to discover this person and is an attempt to break this vicious 5yr disorder with bulimia and 17yr battle with with over eating.

I am including two pictures of my current size just to start a photo journey as well. I will be trying to eat healthier and put muscle on as well as some weight in an attempt to be healthy.