Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How to move on

The crying has lessened but really feel that all this is just too much to bear. I am completely on edge and strugeling to maintain for the sake of my children. Besides my close family, not many people know about my struggles with my bulimia. I so desperately want to be over this. I do OK until I weigh myself and I say uh oh, no way I weigh that fucking much.

Dannah is someone I met a few years ago. I was inspired by her. We had both decided we were going to help each other. I was going to join her softball team with her. She touched my heart in many many ways. Her loss to everyone hurts my heart so much. Those of us close to her believe she committed suicide. In a way, this makes it worse then if someone had taken her life or if it were an accident. Knowing that she could no longer live with her hurt and grief scares me. Many Many times I feel like I am out of control. That in a second of lapsed judgment it could have been me that jumped. Dannah had struggles recently with depression. The medication she was taking was making it worse. After several incidents of her having break downs, attacking her husband and taking off I would think they would prescribe her different meds. But no, they didn't. Then they took her camping, got shit faced, wtf is up with that. This is behavior uncommon to her demeanor.

On top of it all, the night I found out about Dannah my spouse got arrested for a DUI and is now close to losing his job. I don't know how much I can handle. I want to sleep all day. I haven't had a drink in two days and I am starting to feel the itch.

School work is becoming overwhelming. Sigh..

Heres the link to the story on dannah

heres some pics of me with Dannah and some friends. Didn't want to put them on Facebook, but want to share them with someone.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


My heart is filled with such sadness. I can picture them finding your body at the bottom of the cliff and wondering was it suicide or did something else happen? I wish there was a way to comfort my other friends who are dealing with your loss but since you were closer to them I feel ashamed I feel such a loss. You and I were recently had a new friendship but we shared very intimate things about one another, one of them our depression and eating disorder. You heart was kind and mine was not at times.

I remember the next day feeling like I over talked to you about your situation and I feel ashamed. I apologized the next day and you were very understand and comforting in telling me it was all really ok and not to worry my head with such thoughts. Thank you. I am upset that my other friend wasn't honest with me about what you were going through but I guess they felt that since we weren't best friends I didn't deserve to know. Maybe I could have helped you some how.

When I pause to think about the fact that your lungs will never again fill with air, that no one will ever see your smile and that you will never again see the sunrise when out camping; my eyes fill with tears knowing that it could have been me that felt as you did. We carry a lot of similarities and knowing that u have ended your life because of them scares me that I too might be capable of such an act. We're not 100% on the suicide, or was it foul play?

I still feel really guilty that my heart hurts so bad.

Friday, April 2, 2010


When I feel bad about my weight and I am obsessing I get really depressed and I normally quit blogging. I haven't been following anyone's either, so for that my friends, I am sorry.

I am really working on trying not to obsess about the 12 lbs I have put on, or the fact that none of my clothes from last summer fit. I feel like a fat cow. I haven't worked out in 2 months and have lost all my muscle deffination so I now look like a flabby blob. I want to be tones and fit, but I don't want to put the effort into it. I have been conditioned from an early age to be lazy. I spent most my time as a child on my ass, watching cartoons and playing video games.

Anyone else have issues motivating them selves to be more active, if not for you but also with you kids? I realize that I am conditioning my children for the same down fall I have. I fall short in being active with them. My depression makes me tired and causes me to choose to avoid leaving the house as much as possible.

Any tips for a desperate woman?