Monday, January 18, 2010

Introductions later

I, Mrs. Anonymous, have decided to create this blog in an attempt to self treat my bulimarexia, as well as my underlying problem, binge eating; I have no medical insurance of any kind. My body is weak from the two to three hour long binge sessions that are followed by the 20 minutes I take in the bathroom to throw up; my body is going into sessions of hyperglycemia that cause me to sweat, shiver, and become extremely irrational and irritable; there have even been moments where passing out almost occurred while driving.

Last week I dropped about 6lbs in the span of 5 days. Now, I know for some people that may read this your shaking your head in disbelief that someone would continuously do this to themselves and that I must be out of my mind, and if in your shoes I would think the same thing and often think I am crazy myself.

Like any addiction that starts off innocent, just trying it once; my binge and purge sessions quickly became a habit, a physical addiction that if not corrected will cause me panic attacks and irrational thoughts of being disliked because people will be able to tell I failed at keeping control.

I have been on both sides of the weight spectrum; I have been 280lbs and considered "ugly". I have been made fun and labeled fat, lazy, pig, butterball and ugly. I have also been 118lbs and called pretty, and beautiful. Men look at me differently, women look at me with jealously; even if it is with judgment and accusations I love it; for the first time in my 27years of existence I am being looked at with admiration for my outside appearance instead of being the butt end of some ass holes fat joke, and i love it. Vane? Yes. Do I feel I contribute anything else for my peers too admire, no.

My intention for this blog is to use this outlet as an attempt to reach others who my have some advice for me or that I may help. I would be happy to answer questions for those who feel lost as well. I know in my heart, that I can be healed from this vicious cycle of self hatred and lead a life that is full of love and acknowledgment for the beautiful person I am in the inside.

This blog will be a chronicle of my journey to discover this person and is an attempt to break this vicious 5yr disorder with bulimia and 17yr battle with with over eating.

I am including two pictures of my current size just to start a photo journey as well. I will be trying to eat healthier and put muscle on as well as some weight in an attempt to be healthy.


lisalisa said...

I read your "about me" and had 2 thoughts.

1. you are waaayto hard on yourself

2. I feel exactly the same way

I look forward to reading your blog :)