Thursday, February 4, 2010

Ambition and drive

So yoga was awesome last night. I can really feel my muscles getting stronger and I have WAY more flexibility in my hips. my legs are still pretty tight in the back because I don't do any stretches after I run. I ended up taking a couple water pills this morning because I am retaining water like amad man and my fingers feel like balloons. I think I am using too much salt. LOL

Dinner last night was a big success. I got Frank to eat both spinach, zucchini and shrimp; these are some of his least favorite foods! For Dinner I made 4 cheese raviolis that i mixed with a pesto sauce and add in shrimp, tomatoes, yellow squash and zucchini, sugar snap peas and shrimp! I also made acorn squash with cinnamon and we had some peaches!

And Viola, we have a well balanced diet that was uber tasty!

On a more serious note I did a little heart searching last night. While taking a very much needed bath I got talking to my friend about how much I value her friendship and it dawned on me just HOW much I admire her. (lets call her violet) Violet has always been someone I really aspire too. She has taught me much humility though the years and has showed me countless times just haw much compassion can change not only yourself but others around you.

Last night Violet was really down and with the skills I have learned from her over the years I was able to show her how much she is loved and that the only person she can fix is herself; I taught her things that she had taught me.

Through the many years of ED being present in my life I never really tried to recover. I kept waiting for someone to fix me. I needed someone to care enough to say, I needed to go to the hospital and be force fed, and you know why? Because I wanted the attention that being sick gave me! If I was healthy that would mean I could no longer hide behind this mask that I wear and people would see the real me; i was going to have to put in the time changing my brain.

I know this post is all over the place but bare with me

Over the summer I went to Denver on several occasions and got to see Violet. I was pretty heavy into my mind on all 3 occasions, however, on the last visit something clicked in me. Sitting with Violet, laughing and making these wonderful memories made me realize that maybe I am not as "strange" as I think I am and that maybe, just maybe someone might like me for who I am and not what I can do for them. In that single moment, Violet inspired me. It is a wonderful gift she gave me, unknowingly to her, but it is a gift that may have saved my life.

Through the years I kept waiting for someone to fix me, but really I needed to fix myself; I just needed the drive/inspiration to want to make the steps. I know what I need to do and I don't need a counselor to tell me that its childhood issues. Yeah, like I don't already know that.

Goals for today:

  1. Keep tabs on my emotions through out the day and really process them. How do I feel right now, am I upset, happy, sad, overwhelmed? How do I feel after eating lunch, hows my body feeling, energy levels, etc.
  2. Realize that the one thing I have control over in my life is myself and nothing can fix me but me.
  3. Remind myself that I AM STRONG. My body is a temple and the more love I give it the more it will love me back
  4. Remember that I AM LOVED and that it is up to me to learn to love myself. I know those of you who truly care for me and have stuck by me through my ups and downs. For you guys, I am eternally great full!
  5. I AM BEAUTIFUL This one is a work in progress but I know my heart is beautiful. Now I just need to work on the rest
Wow, I got kind of teary eyed towards the end of this. I know I am not going to feel 100% ALL the time, but heck i'd settle for 80%. :)

Till later!


brie said...

i yogacised last night too! yoga is amazing. last night we focused on hip and leg and shoulder stretches and it felt SO.GOOD. i'm going to be majorly sore but it's so worth it!

Lost in Obsession said...

Im going to this cardio class tonight called BodyAttack. Will blog about it later. LOL SHould be interesting.

Eating Alone said...

Yep when I was VERY big I got lots of attention, now that I'm semi-normal sized it's a shock. ED's still there but I'm normal now? HA

Valerie said...

Hm... all the food looks very yummy! Your doing great!

Me said...

I don't know what it is, but right now in my life you are touching buttons that need to be touched. This blog is very inspiring to me through my struggles right now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart... you are worthy and CAN make a positive affect on others. I'll try to read you every day.

Lost in Obsession said...

Me- Aww thanks sweetie. :) Im not perfect and never will be but I hope to be the best person to those I care for the most. I will always be here for you.