Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Today I have been super stressed out and emotional; I haven't eaten well the past two days (keeping food down) and it has really messed with my moods. The kids have been misbehaving and I get sooo tired of yelling at them, but I realize a lot of it is my own body feeling neglected and it is coming out in my moods.

While blog surfing, I came across an article that just really brighten my day; This beautiful bombshell decided to do something I don't think I could ever do, bare all of herself to the world in a magazine that is obviously try to promote healthy lives/living.

Other then her stomach, I find Lizzie's body extremely desirable and what I would love to look like. I don't think Lizzie is considered plus size at all and think the fact that she is labeled as such goes to show how unfairly women are scrutinized by looks, and not only men but by women the majority of the time. I really think it is "us" women that cause a lot of eating disorders; with unrealistic expectations and constant judgment and comparison of ourselves to others,we look down at ourselves if our stomach has a little "extra" cushion on it than the woman standing next to me in line at the book store. Yes, the media plays a big roll in our youth, but I also think that were not that naive and know that by not eating/ inducing vomiting that all were doing is conforming to this ridiculous notion that men will desire us if we look like skeletons; that maybe if were frail and on the verge of a psychotic break that, perhaps then, other women will look up to us in admiration. It is truly mind boggling to me that we have become this delusional! My husband told me how much he loves that I am putting some weight on and that most men don't want to feel like their making love to a "bag of bones".

I think my biggest issue with my husband making statements like that to me is:

  1. I don't really value his opinion of how he sees me.
  2. I rather have others tell me how good I look
  3. I wanted to stay thin so when I went to my HS reunion people would see I'm not the "fat ass" that all labeled me or the lesbian that played football so I could look at the cheerleaders.
I know my husband and I need to work on our relationship and part of my insecurities are from our lack of a connection to one another. My ED has damaged my relationship with my husband and my children; it is from those insecurities that I find myself needing acceptance from others to fill voids.

So, will all this self awareness, I am just going to take it a day at a time and learn to love myself; to fill my life with experiences that make me happy rather then filling the void with food.

To my special friend over the Mountains, I miss you more then you know. You were put in my life for a reason and I believe that we have continued to stay connected through it all because of your faith, compassion, and love you have for others. I inspire to live my life more like you everyday and know you have given me the best gift I could have ever asked for, your friendship! I miss you girl!


Me said...

I love how open you are here!! This is a powerful blog, even though you are having a hard time - you inspire to be better and that means alot. You will get there! I know it.