Monday, February 8, 2010

To you, my love

How did i go from this little girl

To this beautiful person

Only to end up with my head in a toilet the majority of my day. I promise myself that I will get better. I can do this. I am beautiful inside and out and my children deserve all of me.
To those that I have hurt I am sorry.

To one person in particular; I have hurt you more then I would ever allow someone to hurt me; you have stuck by me even though you don't understand. You love me despite my infidelities, drinking, manic fits of rage, neglect, and embarrassing moments when I break down a cry.
You understand that when i eat massive amounts of food and disappear shortly after that I really don't want to be doing what I am about to do. I am sorry I got mad at you at the mall for throwing away the food you were done with; I know why you did it and I know you don't understand why I was so angry. Thank you for getting up in the middle of the night to comfort me when I am crying because I was about to go raid the cabinets. I am sorry you work as hard as you do to support our family only for me to turn around and dishonor you. I am sorry that I have put our relationship and our kids last in my life.

I am so sorry. I love you. I know you will never read this but I hope that I can show you what you mean to me. I am going to work more on this, I promise. I will no longer measure my self worth by the number on the scale or by the size of my jeans, but by the way I feel, how often I smile, laugh, cry and really feel my emotions. I promise to honor you by taking care of me so that we can grow old together and be here for our grand children. I promise to honor my heart and remind myself that were in this together and even tho you don't understand, you still care.


lisalisa said...

this is so sweet! If you don't let him read this i hope you express how you feel to him, like in a note or something similar.

Me said...

this made me cry... i can't understand exactly what you are going through, but I do know how anxiety can take over your life and to have someone there to hold you means the world. Keep working, you are doing well! Don't forget you are loved. You are extremely loved by many and you are beautiful inside and out.