Progress or regress?

Warning, numbers in this post:

Today marks week 4 of me actively working on my recovery and I am sad to say that I still have a LONG LONG LONG road ahead of me. I wish I still looked like I did 4 weeks ago. I miss my ribs and my stomach that was sunken in. I miss laying down on my bed and feeling my pelvis bones stick out and just feeling light as a feather.
Needless to say, I feel like a freakin tank. I am really uncomfortable in my body, it feels unfimiliar. I am about 10lbs heavier then I was a month ago, and I guess that is good, but I miss being 120. I miss feeling skinny. I know I am only 130 today because of all the beer I drank last night and I am dehydrated, but I was so happy that it didn't say 135; if I get up to 140 I might die. I hate all my extra skin and the fact that when I work out it jiggles around and causes me pain. I went to Body Combat yesterday morning and my skin hurt from my work out on Saturday. I mean, come on, can I catch a freaking break? I some times feel like taking a carving knife and just fixing it all myself. You would think that I would be happy that I feel better most the time, but honestly, I don't. I am still purging, I feel ugly, fat, overweight, unhappy, depressed, and anxious about all of this. I miss seeing the number on my scale telling me I was winning, that I am thinner and there for I can fake like I am happy. I am tired of the number going up and telling me that I am failing at staying thin. I am scared of being "fat" again. I want to go purge the 2 oranges I just ate and I am right now planning a huge binge to go on after I take bowen to school. :( I won't do it (I hope) but the face that I am planning it excites me. All that yummy food.

Moving on, we got to hang out with friends last night for the football game and we all had a great time. Bowen got to play Tony Hawk on the Wii and was up until 1am because I couldn't get him off the thing. He is begging me to get one now. I am glad I went over there, I had a lot of fun. We decided to do a girls night to watch The Time Travelers Wife on Friday and I am really excited, and I might of found a gym buddy! Yipee.

Dinner last night was French Bread pizza, couple jalapeno poppers at my friends and umpteen drinks/shots of rum. My pizza is on the right and it has feta cheese,pineapple, mandarin oranges, spinach and lean smoked ham. I also made the one on the left and it has tomatoes, olives, spinach, green chilies, sugar snap peas, pepperoni and loads of cheese.



For breakfast I made oatmeal with the usual and something new. These little disks of goodness are a wonderful addition to my oatmeal, and their blueberry!

HOUSE IS ON TONIGHT. OMG I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED

I am really depressed, unhappy that I have no friends, no life, and feel generally unloved. I sometimes think i'd rather die then deal with"him", or just continue to let "him" control me because at least then I would be thin, and if I can't have friends or feel loved then who cares? (you can see my disgust with how i look in the second picture, you can see how unhappy I am) I am wearing almost the exact same thing as I was 4 weeks ago in my first post