Monday, February 8, 2010

Progress or regress?

Warning, numbers in this post:

Today marks week 4 of me actively working on my recovery and I am sad to say that I still have a LONG LONG LONG road ahead of me. I wish I still looked like I did 4 weeks ago. I miss my ribs and my stomach that was sunken in. I miss laying down on my bed and feeling my pelvis bones stick out and just feeling light as a feather.
Needless to say, I feel like a freakin tank. I am really uncomfortable in my body, it feels unfimiliar. I am about 10lbs heavier then I was a month ago, and I guess that is good, but I miss being 120. I miss feeling skinny. I know I am only 130 today because of all the beer I drank last night and I am dehydrated, but I was so happy that it didn't say 135; if I get up to 140 I might die. I hate all my extra skin and the fact that when I work out it jiggles around and causes me pain. I went to Body Combat yesterday morning and my skin hurt from my work out on Saturday. I mean, come on, can I catch a freaking break? I some times feel like taking a carving knife and just fixing it all myself. You would think that I would be happy that I feel better most the time, but honestly, I don't. I am still purging, I feel ugly, fat, overweight, unhappy, depressed, and anxious about all of this. I miss seeing the number on my scale telling me I was winning, that I am thinner and there for I can fake like I am happy. I am tired of the number going up and telling me that I am failing at staying thin. I am scared of being "fat" again. I want to go purge the 2 oranges I just ate and I am right now planning a huge binge to go on after I take bowen to school. :( I won't do it (I hope) but the face that I am planning it excites me. All that yummy food.

Moving on, we got to hang out with friends last night for the football game and we all had a great time. Bowen got to play Tony Hawk on the Wii and was up until 1am because I couldn't get him off the thing. He is begging me to get one now. I am glad I went over there, I had a lot of fun. We decided to do a girls night to watch The Time Travelers Wife on Friday and I am really excited, and I might of found a gym buddy! Yipee.

Dinner last night was French Bread pizza, couple jalapeno poppers at my friends and umpteen drinks/shots of rum. My pizza is on the right and it has feta cheese,pineapple, mandarin oranges, spinach and lean smoked ham. I also made the one on the left and it has tomatoes, olives, spinach, green chilies, sugar snap peas, pepperoni and loads of cheese.

For breakfast I made oatmeal with the usual and something new. These little disks of goodness are a wonderful addition to my oatmeal, and their blueberry!


I am really depressed, unhappy that I have no friends, no life, and feel generally unloved. I sometimes think i'd rather die then deal with"him", or just continue to let "him" control me because at least then I would be thin, and if I can't have friends or feel loved then who cares? (you can see my disgust with how i look in the second picture, you can see how unhappy I am) I am wearing almost the exact same thing as I was 4 weeks ago in my first post


Eating Alone said...

I hate to say it but its normal. This recovery stuff is not like walking a line, I't more like a one of those family circus cartoons just going all over the place. Some day's your doing great the next your in the c... er well your not. And some times that can happen in the same meal. Just take it slow and know that a slip does not mean that your back to square one. You have what you've learned and can take that and move forward.

Good luck. And I totaly get the whole skin thing. I could not believe the difference when I'm exercising now without all that extra skin!