Wednesday, February 10, 2010

yeah right

So here is a post in all of its "real-ness", it will be fragmented and grammar bad, but this is what free writing is about.

I am a liar!
I lie to everyone everyday, including myself.
I am not doing better, but I have fooled myself and everyone else into thinking I am.
Instead of purging junk food I am now purging really expensive food and costing my family more.
I have had ZERO days of no purging. I lie in my posts and to everyone that reads them.
I lie to my mother that calls to ask how I am doing
to my friend over the mtns
to my husband
everytime I tell him I am just going to go pee but in reality I am going to go throw up.

I post pictures of the healthy food I make in a normal portion but don't show the 2nds and thirds that i always go back to get.
I was really pissed at the beginning of the week about my weight but I am super happy it is back in the 120's, but unhappy it is not lower.
I feel like I take one step forward and two GIANT steps back

What is the point in my even keeping a blog to track my progress if all I am going to do is lie on it.
For the first time in a while I thought of death tonight.
I hate how I feel right now.
I hate how tired I am, that I haven't been to the gym and that I haven't done any homework this week.
I hate that when I do over eat that my food wants to come up on its own because of my reflux disease that I have had since I was a child and that there is nothing I can do to keep it down, thus making it one thousands time more difficult to resist the urge to just let my stomach purge its self.

I hate the fact that when I do over eat I am in pain emotionally, plagued with anxiety even after the feeling of fullness is gone; and even after an hr has passed I will still go purge because the anxiety wins.

I hate that I am a big fat FAKE. Please don't tell me that you look up to me because I am just betraying you. I don't want sympathy, i want nothing but to be free and sometimes it feels like death is the only way I will ever get that.

No comments for this one guys.