Wednesday, February 3, 2010


WARNING: This post is graphic and may disturb some as it has me. Reading advisory in place.

With that said, I woke up crying 3 hours before I normally get out of bed. I am tired and still very emotional as I sit here writing this.

I went to bed about 12:30 this morning because I was having ED thoughts and I wanted to behave. My night started out like any other night, laying in bed thinking about what I was going to make for breakfast. I didn't watch TV, read, listen to anything out of the ordinary before falling asleep last night.

I have often wondered what our dreams mean. Is our subconsciousness trying to get through to us in our dreams because this is when the mind and soul are more open to receive the message; or are dreams the brains way of filing what the mind/emotional side of our brain experiences that day and we see randomly flashed images in out memory as the process commences. Are dreams that are of an unhappy nature or of a violent nature our true self or are they just really random thoughts, images, neurons, and different parts of the brain firing off? Should I be alarmed at what my mind does and is it a trick?

It all starts while were decorating or building and my husband is right there with me, we also have our three kids with us; Alissa, Bowen, and Caleb. I remember that with a quick second and a snap of my hand Caleb was dead. When Frank isn't looking I hit this infant child with a blunt object in a fit of rage. I take the body, wrap it in a blanket. I tell Frank what I have done and he stays calm, almost disconnected. He tells me that we need to bury him before anyone sees and tells me everything is going to be OK. We then bury the body of our youngest infant child under the house in the crawl space. Years go buy, and I don't know if anyone never asked or if we lied but Caleb is still under the house. One day, we have work done on the house and I start to panic. I needed to tell someone so I get onto Franks blog and tell the world what I had done. This was a good release until I realized that people were posting bad comments and that I could be tracked using my IP address. In an attempt to cover my tracks I try to delete the blog but it just keeps downloading my character into the world and it starts running around town. Everything I click on won't give me access to deleting the blog. Frank and I decide to flee and were in a country that I a don't know, dead African bodies everywhere. I see blood on the ground in a ditch and go to drink it when a lady comes up and tells me I can't, the blood needs to be air dried for 24hrs to kill the poisons in it.

After that the alarm goes off for Frank to wake up and my pillow is wet with tears. This isn't the first time I had a dream about killing our third non-existent child. This dream occurred a few months back but the ending was different. I end up trying to burn him because the plumbers need to work on the house and I am worried about it being discovered. I also had this dream a few months before that, also will a different ending but it always includes the vicious act.

This dream frightens me to the core of my very being. Why would I have a dream like this, and why would it be reoccurring? Do I have tendencies in myself that would promote such behavior? Am I secretly hiding something, or did my past self do something like this?

I don't have answers to any of this, and that horrifies me.;waking up to myself crying and feeling ill, it scares me. Is it a force beyond my control trying to reach out or is it past emotions and feelings that my brain is accessing? Am I on the brink of a psychotic break or is it all random nothingness that exists in my mind for no apparent reason other then to torture me; or is it a warning sign?

I know in the past when I was dealing with post-partem depression I would have thoughts of wanting to hurt myself, but never one of the children. I lived in regret for a long time about having my 2nd child. She was a mistake and not wanted, but I would never do anything to hurt her. So why these torturous dreams that haunt me for days afterwords? I am so sad right now.

I hate the fact that my dreams gave the child a name and that I somehow feel a connection with him. :(

Link I found