Thursday, February 11, 2010


another emotional day. Reading blogs about people being happy, having ED, exersize, everything but my school work, hanging with my kids, or cleaning. I am really depressed again, tired, crying all the time and worn out; however super excited to weigh less again this morning. How freaking lame and disgusting am I?

To top it all off, I keep biting my lip on the inside in the exact same spot and it is always at the end of a binge. I need help, im lonely, scared, and pathetic. Taking the rest of the week off from the gym in hopes to reset myself. I almost feel like cutting again. sigh..


So I was going to lay down and take a nap with Alissa, but got a phone call that i can't because I have to go get Bowen from school; would have been no big deal if I wasn't already in my bed cuddling with her. Naturally I broke down and just started sobbing. Gosh I am so angry and I don't even know why. Really I am just FUCKING PISSED. I haven't been to the gym this week, not once. I know he knows I am feeling depressed, but he doesn't ask me about it. I know he knows I was in my room last night binging but as long as I don't bother his stupid fucking call of duty time then he will let me sit here and kill myself. My fault for being in a relationship with someone who also has an addictive personality. Yes I cussed on here, and if you don't like it, you 2 can fuck off. Not going to censor myself on my own blog anymore.

Witht hat said, I am hateful and spiteful today. I am most the time but hide it from everyone. No, I don't want to talk to god about it. No, I don't feel like he will help me and no I am not really sure what is wrong otherwise don't you think I would let it all go?

I also think its funny how I think one of these people picture below is beautiful and the other disgusting beyond belief! Both suffering from an eating disorder, one more sever then the other. Feel incredibly guilty.


struggling20something said...

Hey! Thanks for the comment on my blog; I'm glad that you liked that video. I'm sorry that today's been such a rough day. :( Remember that tomorrow is a new day and you can leave this one behind you.

lisalisa said...

even the DESIRE to do better is better than nothing. So you have moved on from purging junk food to purging expensive food. At least you are making the EFFORT to feed yourself right. One of these days you will take the next step and stop at one plate. And then you may binge the next time. Sometimes recovery IS one step forward, two steps back. Consider that one forward step as practice for a time when the forward steps will outnumber the backwards steps.
I have been purging alot lately, too. In fact I just threw up dinner. I wasn't planning on doing that when I sat down to eat. I had good intentions, but sometimes it all goes to crap. Still, I do not consider myself a failure. I cannot change the fact that I just purged. I hope that will be the last time for the day. I try to look at the situation as an objective observer, and not attatch emotion or judgement to it. If I judged myself every time i purged or otherwise "failed" at recovery I probably would not have the will to live.
You are fighting a valiant and difficult fight. You are not perfect. I for one do not feel lied to. everyone struggles. I hope you keep blogging, and revealing as much or as little of your struggles as you choose. this is your blog.