Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Struggles



So I just got done eating my breakfast (pictured in an earlier post) and I am really struggling with wanting to go raid the cereal because I am still hungry. Am I hungry because my body wants it or is it because ED wants me to fuel him? So I decided to suck down another cup of coffee and blog about how I am feeling.
Right now I am feeling rage brew inside me. I can picture myself throwing my head back and, with my mouth WIDE open, screaming as loud as I can and then falling to the ground, sobbing. Why does he provoke these feelings inside me? I just feel SO ANGRY right now and upset that I put peanut butter in my oatmeal and that one egg white. If I ate that extrs fat I might as well stuff my face and purge it all out. It is so frustrating to go from being on a high one day and feeling pretty good about things, to waking up today not feeling anything until it is time to make breakfast and then thousands of thoughts plagueing my mind like locus picking away at my self worth and desire to continue this exausting path I started on this week.
When is it ok to indulge? When is it ok for me to have csome candy or that extra piece of bread? Is it after I have gone to the gym and worked out or after is it never? Will I ever feel comfortable just eating what I desire?
This is the longest I have gone with out binging on sugar. Cookies, cholocale, ice cream, cereal, cinnamon crackers if thats all that is left, hard candy, red vines, tootsie roles, sugar daddies, candy corn, just to name a few of them. He is screaming out for me to go by the store after I drop B at school. AHHHHHH GO AWAY!
So, with that said I am going to go do some homework and pout about the foods I am not eating and try not to cry. This coffee is my savior right now.

3 comments:

Eating Alone said...

Been there, ate that. Do you have a RD that your working with? I was getting really hungry after eating, and we had to adjust what I was eating, or at least the timing. We had to add in some extra protein in the mornings.

If you are really hungry eat real food. Stay away from the candy and ice cream. Thats very important if those are binge foods for you. You should only eat those around others till you are safe around yourself.

I would stop and think about my hunger, is it from the stomach or the head. And if the head was over-coming the stomach I would pop something down. Have one of the english muffins with a WHOLE egg on it. Calorie wise that's nothing but the fat in the egg will make you feel full and so with the carb from the bread.

Good luck.

lisalisa said...

hang in there. Recovery can be UNCOMFORTABLE! But it is worth it. I know how powerful the drive to binge is. The more you challenge it and sit with the feelings, the easier it will become (in time). Remember all of your goals.
I wish you could somehow see a dietitian for some guidance or a therapist! Is there really no way?

Lost in Obsession said...

Thank you for your comment and I appreciate the words of encouragement. I haven't weight myself in to days but I was VERY tempted this morning. LOL

For some reason it won't allow my to post comments to your blog. Maybe play with the settings and change it to pop out a comment box might help?