Friday, January 22, 2010

Who cares

I didn't do my entry yesterday because I felt like crap. I took one Tylenol PM the night before and I had a really difficult time waking up yesterday morning. My nights have been very restless and I toss and turn a lot and I just needed one good night of sleep. I also decided not to write because really, who cares? I complaine about the same things over and over but I have yet to have a good day. I am exercising more and my body feels good but my ED is still just as bad as it always has been.
Last night I made dinner and made myself too big of a plate. No biggy, the down fall was when like a robot I went and had seconds and thirds. This situation made me miss out on our family movie night because I was 2 busy surfing the web and shoveling food into my mouth. I could feel my hubby glancing over at me wanting to say something but didn't knowing that any interruption form him would lead me into a complete meltdown and start a huge argument between him and I. After i ate for almost 2hrs I went to go purge by lieing that I needed to change into my comfy clothes and he looks at me and tells me to behave and with sadness I lied and told him ok. I knew I wasn't going to. my stomach was so full that I was in pain and had to get rid of it. :( We talked later and he said his heart felt heavy and dissapointed but he knew in my heart I am making steps.
Some of these steps include

  • I have been going to the gym and have noticed a change in my mood.
  • I haven't been buying fast food after I drop my son off at school and this is a BIG struggle for me
  • I have been focused on my school work so far and i hope it continues
I have also been struggeling with some of the relationships in my life. My sister is making choices I dont agree with and I have started to distance myself from her and this is difficult. I have the habbit of letting people use me, especially family members and I have decided that it is just enough already. There are friends in my life who have stepped up to try and support me and try to understand what it is I am going through and others who have decided to give up. I understand it. It is draining. But I also know that I would be one of those friends that in a moment of panic when ED wants to take over I would be jumping in my car to come give you a big hug and make you go for a walk with me.
I wish i had a best friend. Someone I felt understood me. That I could cry on, laugh with, do stupid stuff with. Sadly, in times when I am in need I go through my phone and realize there is no one there. This fules my ED. No one gives a shit about me anyway so if I JUST QUIT BREATHING no one would notice. I deleted my facebook account and I swear no one noticed. I had one person text me to ask why I deleted it 4 weeks after the fact.
My relationship with my husband is severly strained. We lack a connection with one another. We just sit next to each other and watch tv. Theres no affection, no hand holding, no nothing. I feel like a mail order bride that was paid for to rise his children but he doesn't have to like me. Anyway, heres an oldie picture. This picture is what started my weight loss journey, but I clearly had an issue with food way before hand.This is my son who is now 5. I was potty training. :)


lisalisa said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so low! I know it sounds trite but I'm sure there are people who care about you. I have the same thing, though. I am trying to build some friendships but when I really need to talk sometimes it feels like I have noone.
By the way, I really think you should read David's blog, Eat for Fun. There is a link to it on my blog. He started out as a compulsive eater and followed a strict diet and lost over like 100 pounds but now has anorexic tendencies and alot of ED thinking.

Lost in Obsession said...

Lisa- thank you for the kind words. Yes, there are people who care about me I am sure, but is it really enough to just say they care and not show it? I am sure most people get tired of our ED issues, but am I really no longer worth the effort to some? Feels that way. I have now become the black elephant in the room and it saddens me.