Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I feel really insecure this morning. I tried to go to bed early last night only to be kept up most of the night by my daughters cold, now that is not the reason for being down it is the fact that in the brief moments of sleep I encountered, I was plagued with dreams of me waking up in the middle of the night and eating everything in the kitchen and then just going to bed. It is ridiculous that even in the sanctity of my dreams this evil part of my mind haunts me.

I find no peace in my own skin and I am furious that in the span of 24 hours my body managed to retain 3 lbs; my stomach sticks out a bit more today and my ribs are not as easy to see. I know this is what I want, to be healthy but I question my inner strength to see this threw. My brain this morning is filled with thoughts of restricting, purging everything and that I failed to keep myself from putting weight on yesterday, I FAILED; everyone will see that I am putting weight on and will talk about it. I know this is just ass a nine to think but I am obviously not thinking rationally. My rational brain would tell me it is probably water weight and the salad/veggies i didn't purge out after dinner and decided to leave in my belly.

I think the hardest part of healing is how rapidly my body puts the weight on. My stomach can expand to the size of Takeru Kobayash stomach when on a binge, so how do I manage eating smaller now? I have tried and I just feel starving all day. I feel like I am eating normal sized meals but yet then next day my body has managed to retain all the weight that went into my body. It is infuriating!

When I first started my weight loss journey back in October of 2005 it was very difficult to get started. Weight Watchers was an awesome program and I lost my first 100lbs doing it the old fashioned way, i ate my points, counted everything and I exercised. I think at a point in my mind I got tired of my husband eating ANYTHING he wanted and still having issues putting weight on; I got tired of feeling like I was missing out and I desperately wanted to eat a slice of pizza with out feeling like I failed, and this started my relationship with bulimia.

I feel the biggest mistake I made in my weight loss journey is not doing it along with a counselor. I have always ate my feelings and I needed to address whatever emotions I was stuffing down rather then act like they don't exist. Weight Watchers opened the door for my brain to use its obsessive and compulsiveness I never knew existed and create a focus for my emotions; the counting of everything quickly became a habit for me and continues to be the number one issue I have from the program. I remember going on binges while on the program and after I would feel like crap, and bulimia was my answer to this feeling.

On a total off topic subject; I think my English Comp. class has turned me into an obsessive robot who has to make sure every sentence is perfect with no fragments that I can see. How funny, my brain is censoring my thoughts as I type them.

Conclusion, counseling is probably necessary for my treatment; if not in-patient.