Friday, January 22, 2010

Letting go

So I decided to do another post today because I realized that the whole purpose of me starting this blog was to try and discover what it is that my heart and mind are hurting about.

My childhood wasn't great but I also wasn't slumming it either. My father was self employed with his own computer business and was quite successful; him and my mother divorced when I was 4 and my father took full custody of me and my two older sisters. I have always been very close to my father. He was my knight and shinning armor. If I ever had to out a label on him, it would be my best friend. This always caused problems with my sisters and I and still did up until about 3 years ago. My father married my step mother was I was 6 but she pretty much moved in the min my dad split from my mother. At first things were ok. She had a daughter the same age as me and we were kind of close but also competitive. I was daddys girl and she had her mother wrapped around her little finger.

I don't have a lot of memories with my mother before the divorce other then ones of abandonment. She left for several moths and I had no idea where she had gone. All the while my dad had already started to see my step mom before either of them had left their current marriages. During the divorce they had come to an agreement to share responsibility of taking care of us; one week at my dads and then one week at my moms etc... This went on for half of my 1st grade year before my mother essentially sold her parental rights to my father for $10,000 and that was pretty much the end of our relationship.

My father married my step mother when I was 8. They had been living together for about 4 years now. I remember the day like it happened yesterday because it was the most unhappiest day of my child hood. I loathed her; we will call her Witch. I saw this woman as an evil Witch that was running our family. When my father wasn't present she would bad mouth me, say hurtful things to me and exclude me from things that she would only allow her daughter to participate in. By that time, my older sisters were in high school and I was left alone. When my father wasn't there I would hide in my room and cry cause I missed him. Witch was always jealous of his and I's relationship because it had always been a bond that was unlike anyone else s. We would get on the Suzuki and go for rides for hours, go out to eat, go see movies, play sports, video games, we were best friends and she hated it.

During the wedding I cried and cried. My father gave me the videos a few years ago and when I watch them I still cry. This woman that he married was supposed to show me what it meant to be beautiful, have self confidence and self worth. Instead I got stuck with a pill popping, alcoholic anorexic that could give two shits if I existed or not.

Well, im going to take a break on this ride and continue later.